Elvis Captained the Titanic!

A Case Closed™ Exclusive by Manny Fatback

They said she was the best of her kind. They said she would modernize sea travel. They said she was “unsinkable.” They said a lot of things. The one thing they didn’t say was that one fateful April night in 1914, the pride of the White Star Line —the Titanic— would strike an iceberg (or at least something that appeared to be an iceberg) and plunge into the cold depths of the icy Atlantic. That was omitted from the travel brochure.

It was Robert Ballard who found the Titanic’s chilly resting place. It was James Cameron who wove a tapestry of magic in his aptly titled movie, “Titanic.” And it was yours truly, Manny Fatback, who discovered the real truth about what happened on that cold April night over ninety years ago. And the truth about that terrible, awful, horrible night will shock readers to their very souls!

“I remember seeing the Captain a few times on the voyage,” said coach passenger Tinkus McFee. “He sure didn’t look much like anyone else on board. Big hair and sideburns. He was an odd one.” An odd one indeed.

During the midnight buffet, passenger Alicia Liver said that the Captain began singing for all the passengers. “I’d never heard music like that in my life,” claimed the spry ninety-nine year old. “It sounded like some kind of devil music.” After the performance, the captain headed to the buffet where he devoured everyone’s fair share of bacon, meatloaf and amphetamines.

“We don’t normally have amphetamines at a buffet, but the Captain insisted,” said second-class passenger Haines Boots.

The idea that Elvis Presley—the King of Rock and Roll, the Emperor of the Singing Picture—took the helm during the Titanic’s fateful maiden voyage seems the thing of fantasy! Well, I say this: at Case Closed™, the line between fact and fantasy is paper-thin. I gathered up the “evidence” and presented it at an Elvisology Symposium and left the attendees stunned. Even our own Case Closed™ panel of experts™ seemed mystified. When asked if Elvis could actually have captained the Titanic, they responded with a resounding, “Why not?”

Is it possible that Elvis Presley took advantage of a rift in time to visit the ill-fated Titanic? And how coincidental is it that the White Star liner sank on April 12 and Elvis died on August 22? Even famed explorer Ballard couldn’t explain the trunk full of sequined jumpsuits found among the debris at the ocean’s bottom. “It might’ve just belonged to a really big woman,” he suggested.

Really big woman...or really big Rock and Roll star? It is the opinion of this reporter—and you can take that opinion to be fact!— that Elvis Presley travelled through time to captain the Titanic! Unfortunately, during a drug-addled stupor he very likely mistook an iceberg for a barbecue restaurant and the rest, as they say, is history. But what isn’t history is the gripping intensity of this story and the question that it raises: did Elvis travel through time on other occasions? Was he driving Kennedy’s car that fateful day in Dallas? Did the King of Rock and Roll help build the pyramids? Was Elvis Jack the Ripper? Right now, these are questions that no one can answer.

But one answer is clear: Elvis Presley stood bravely at the helm of the Titanic, mutton chops and all! This disaster at sea was less about icebergs and bad decisions than it was about one Rock and Roll singer's night at sea.

CASE CLOSED™!