The Uncle Ned Theory of Murder
Ever since the Xanathians altered the DNA of apes and penguins, giving rise to modern human beings, a theory of figuring out who is certain to be a murderer and who could never kill has haunted us, obsessed us, caused us to expend treasure and consume drugs. But, as with everything, people think that the answer is complex, when, like picking winning lottery numbers, it is remarkably simple.
Quick quiz: who are the greatest murderers of all time? The answer, as everyone knows, is Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Saddam Hussein. And what do they have in common? An affection for military uniforms, yes, but so did Bob Crane. No, the answer is mustaches! They all have mustaches! Persuasive, I know you are saying, but conclusive? Not yet.
Another quick quiz: who is Hollywood’s everyman, the one actor who embodies our ideals? Uncle Ned, star of Bachelor Party, Volunteers, Joe Versus the Volcano, and You’ve Got Mail, among others. Now, in almost all his film career, Uncle Ned has been clean shaven … and never killed! However, in his one mustached movie, Road To Perdition, Uncle Ned is a killer. Compelling evidence, I’m sure you’ll agree. After all, Uncle Ned didn’t win an Oscar for his role in The ‘burbs and been a runner-up for The Man With One Red Shoe for nothing!
But wait, some might say, but I’m way ahead of you, waiters. In both Castaway and in the running across America scene in Forrest Gump, Uncle Ned had a mustache. Faithful peruser, I would point out that in said instances, Uncle Ned also had a beard, and everyone knows that beards negate the evil influence of mustaches (see, for example, Jesus Christ, my Uncle Walter, or Obi Wan Kenobi).
So, what does this stunning and significant discovery mean? Well, for starters it simplifies murder investigations and trials. It also could free a lot of wrongly convicted unmustached prisoners. Quit picking on O.J. and start asking Ron Jeremy where he was when Ron and Nicole were killed. And it gives a lot of us a heads-up as to which co-worker is going to bring a gun to the office and start shooting.
Thus the undeniable connection between mustaches and murder. Case Closed.™
posted by Cletus Hookworm @ 11:16 AM
4 Comments:
Great work, Cletus! Now I know who to watch out for (and I also better remember to shave)!
Oh, one more thing. How far should a person drive with one of them doughnut-spare-tire-things on a car? Is eighteen months too long? Get back to me!
It has to do with the magnetic poles, I think, so it depends on whether you're north or south of the equator.
What about goatees? Are these people in between? And what about gay men with moustaches? I mean, I ain't no homophobe, but if looks could kill....
Interesting point, dodos, about goatees. Given that their location is primarily below the lower lip, they should fall in the category of beard, thus nullifying the murderous effect of the mustache.
My kids have all my Bibles right now—the little rascals are trying to prove that watching the Weather Channel is a sin because it tries to predict God's actions—but I'm pretty sure that Jesus said that all homosexuals are murders and need to be punished as such.
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