Case Closed! — Conspiracies and Mysteries Solved

"Inspired" by Patricia Cornhole's immodest claim that all those Ripperologists may as well give up their theorizing and debating Jack the Ripper's identity because she's written the final word, "Case Closed!" seeks to solve completely and forevermore the mysteries of the world. Case closed!

30 March 2007

Bad Names Come In Threes: The Serial Killer Triple Threat

a Case Closed™ Exclusive
Manny Fatback

Experts the world over--including our very own panel here at Case Closed™--know that there are almost 245,000 active serial killers at large and practicing their craft in the United States today. Every year tireless and unimaginative authors pile bookshelves with tales of horror and murder, imagining serial murderers even more horrific than the crimes they actually commit. Sometimes these books are as unforgivable as the crimes that we read about in the daily papers (see Thomas Harris' latest unpickupable 'thriller', "Hannibal Does Something Spooky"*). Even the normally moral and thoughtful men and women in Hollywood buck the trend and put out movies that tastefully examine the life and times of the most notorious killers.

But despite the attempts of authors and directors to give a clear and truthful picture of serial murder, they often fail to answer one simply question.


When it comes to the desire to repeated bludgeon a female hitch-hiker with a tire iron and then have sex with her corpse while repeatedly biting it, no one can very really explain what drives these killers to their crimes. 'Experts' like to flaunt their degrees and theories, claiming that it might have something to do with childhood trauma or upbringing. Is it enough to spend those formative years watching one's mother having sex with an endless parade of hoboes? Could it really be blamed on the years of sadistic abuse at the hands of an alcoholic step-father? Is that what creates these murder-machines? Or is that just another case of the 'experts' trying to do their best to make themselves look so much smarter and so much more important that us regular folk?

(What would make an average motorist want to do something like this? Just childhood trauma? I think not...)

After reading and researching dozens of stories about serial killers, yours truly, Manny Fatback, decided to set out to discover the true reason for the demented behaviour. On behalf of Case Closed™, I had to find out what turns an ordinary cat smotherer into a serial killer!

And yours truly found out!

If you look back at the history of crime, there are a number of well-known murderers. Theodore Robert Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Henry Lee Lucas and Albert Henry DeSalvo have all earned their place on the infamous list of the disturbed. Each one of them can lay claim to a rough childhood and a few bumps and bruises. But can't we all? They can also lay claim, however, to have one thing in common.

Or rather... three things.

Three names.

(Theodore Robert Bundy... not just a ladies' man)

After spending hours in a library and a lab with our resident murderologist, Dr. Fantastic, yours truly discovered that there is a triple link that leads to serial murder. That link? It's the use of three names, one after the other, all of them given the same verbal importance and stress. When spoken aloud the names themselves are a clear trigger for murder. Every single serial killer of note has had this common one-two-three punch! Lee Harvey Oswald! John Wilkes Booth! Even Pee Wee Herman, who murdered his own career and the imagination of several children with his terrible TV show. This use of three names is a clear signal of impending murder?

I'm sure there are doubters out there, naysayers if you will, saying nay. Well can you say 'nay' to Randy Steven Kraft? Or what about The Zodiac Killer? Is it just coincidence that these men all have three names, and they are all guilty of murder? Would it be a leap of logic and intelligence to say that three names is indeed a causal link? We ate Case Closed™ don't believe you can ever leap far enough when it comes to logic. That's not about to change now.

(Was 'Teen Wolf' an examination of the killer inside of Michael J. Fox? And note the tagline... like all serial killers, he always wanted to be 'special'!)

If yours truly could discover this so readily, why do the 'experts' continue to shy away from the truth? And what have they hidden from us in the past? Is it possible that John Fitzgerald Kennedy was assassinated because he was an out of control serial murderer bent on slaughtering hundreds? When asked, our experts said, "What was that?" And what about other 'triple threats' who have disappeared from public view. Michael J. Fox? JM J. Bullock? Is it a coincidence that these people have 'slipped out of public view'? What about David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen!? Are they rock and rollers... or rock and killers?

(This picture says it all!)

I don't think I need to paint a clearer picture (as we say at Case Closed™: "If we have to paint you a picture, you probably don't know how to read!"®). There are dangerous people at large, ones we might never suspect. Look at your neighbours. Your co-workers. Your boss. Do they have three names? Do you think they might have drifters buried under their house?

Obviously there is a clear and definitive causal link between serial murder and having three well promoted names. Ted Bundy had three names. So did O.J. Simpson. So do 245,000 other active serial killers.

Do you?

Case Closed!™

*Title of this book has been fabricated due to the general feeling that Harris's book is crappy


At 7:40 PM, Blogger Cletus Hookworm said...

Dr. Fantastic informs me that the relative absence of outside comment is a sign of complete acceptance of our scoops. Based on that, I'd say we're more popular than Three's Company. Regal Beagle, indeed!


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