Case Closed! — Conspiracies and Mysteries Solved

"Inspired" by Patricia Cornhole's immodest claim that all those Ripperologists may as well give up their theorizing and debating Jack the Ripper's identity because she's written the final word, "Case Closed!" seeks to solve completely and forevermore the mysteries of the world. Case closed!

31 January 2007

The Roles of a Lifetime (Where Your Favourite Celebrities REALLY Act)

a Case Closed™ Exclusive
by Manny Fatback

They’re the heroes of the silver screen. They wield weapons and swing through the jungles with the grace and ease of a baboon on steroids. No matter how poorly written, how clichéd or how ridiculous, they can overcome any fictitious series of events. No, I’m not talking about your favourite animated Saturday morning super friend… I’m talking about celebrities. The folks of glitz and glamour who all rub elbows while waiting outside the hippest rehab. You know them.

Or do you?

For the past month or so, yours truly, Manny Fatback, has been recovering from bunion surgery. While spending time in my palatial home on the coast of Uruguay, I became as bored as a nun at a penguin exhibit. So, I decided to join up with one of those online DVD movie rental organizations. Before I knew it, I was feeding movie after movie into the DVD player, and snack after snack into my own gullet. While relaxing and watching ‘The Terminator’, my faithful Uruguayan servant, Satchel, said something that surprised me. While looking at Arnie, the Terminator himself, he said, “That preacher, he touch me one time. Not love me long time.”

I was confused. Not only by Satchel’s curious Japanese accent, but by what he was claiming.

“Preacher?” I said, a bottle of Wild Turkey sliding off my six pack. “What are you talking about?”

He pointed at Arnie and said, “That preacher at church. He touch me, special place.”

Cracking open one of the cans from my six pack, I scratched my head. Further conversation with Satchel revealed that his preacher at the local church bore a striking resemblance to Arnold Schwarzenneger. Of course, I knew that it couldn’t the Arnie. Still, I had to see for myself. So, I grabbed my crutches and hobbled down to the local God shop. Opening the door, I was surprised with what I saw.

Arnie himself, the man of iron, spreading the word of God.

This discovery got me to wondering… what did I really know about my favourite stars? What was Robert Redford doing on his day’s off? Did Kevin Costner really work at a McDonald’s? And what ever happened to that girl who played the chick in ‘Debbie Does Dallas’? With my curiosity piqued, I decided to hop a plane and head to Hollywood. Along the way I called up my intrepid photographer, Lance Trout. He was glad to get out of his mother’s basement and come along.

(Is there where anti-Semitic rants will take our great actor/directors?)

What we discovered amazed me. It didn’t take long, but I uncovered the secret lives of a half a dozen celebrities. Anthony ‘Hannibal’ Hopkins. Johnny Depp. Demi Moore. Even Dudley Moore had another job (a door stop at a bakery in Chinatown). From spot to spot Lance and I went, amazed at what we discovered.

(Anthony 'Hannibal the Cannibal' Hopkins working as a butcher... irony, or just plain funny?)

Faithful reader of Case Closed™, I realize this isn’t a vast conspiracy… but it does have potentially dark undertones. What do we truly know about our favourite stars? How do we know that the man removing our appendix is really a doctor? What if it’s TVs Doogie Howser instead? And what if the man mowing our neighbour’s lawn really is Charlton Heston? Is he packing heat?

All I ask is this: keep your eyes open. When you sit down in the theatre, ready to watch another Jerry Bruckheimer extravaganza, check to see who sold you your ticket. Perhaps it was Keanue Reeves.

(Johnny Depp... Picker of the Caribbean)

Keep reading Case Closed™. And keep watching the…stars.

Case Closed™!


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