Cannibal Diets and Subway Sandwiches: The Jon Lovitz Connection

A Case Closed™ Exclusive
By Manny Fatback

When a person is employed by such a high-calibre journalistic outlet as yours truly, he sees a great deal of the world. From vacations off the coast of Atlantis to hunting parties in the jungles of Bora Bora, a hard-drinking, fast-talking scribbler never knows where he might turn up next. And when I’m far from home I like to bring along some of the creature comforts. But while I can pack Moon Pies and Wild Turkey, it’s hard to bring along any of the fine purveyors of cuisine such as McDonald’s or KFC. So, I have to settle for the local fare.

That’s exactly what happened to me while I was touring some southern Pacific islands in search of the next big scoop. I ended up on the shores of an island with an unpronounceable name (unless you remove half your tongue, swallow some rocks and gargle, that is) and a hearty appetite. So I sought out the nearest kitchen/restaurant/diner in the vicinity. What I came upon was shockingly appalling and appallingly disappointing.

Nestled among the greenery of this lush Pacific island was a large mansion of stone and ironwood. It towered over the ocean and was surrounded on all sides by a high fence. I noticed immediately that a rather savage group of islanders were huddled around the front gate, like rock and roll fans awaiting an appearance of Elvis Presley. When they saw me they began to visibly salivate and move toward me. I recognized some of their tribal markings as belonging to headhunters and cannibals. My life was in jeopardy and I knew I might have to fight to survive.

A moment later, the gates opened and the islanders fell back. There, standing before me, was a face straight from the boob tube.


(Formerly Fat TV Reject, Jared Fogle)

You’ve all seen the formerly-fat reject on TV. At the best of times he looks like a gawky eyed child predator. At worst of times he looks like Jared Fogle, that creepy looking waddle holding up a pair of Michael Moore’s pants and hawking Subway sandwiches. And that’s who brought me into his Pacific island vacation home that fateful afternoon.

Jared, it turned out, had gotten fat on the royalties from his commercials. He took me inside and we shared a meaty barbecue together while Jared assured me that he only had the finest cuts of meat available to man—all of it low fat. “I’ve become somewhat of a dietary expert,” he claimed (though I’m sure our own experts™ would dispute such claims). “That’s kind of what brought me to this island. I can find all the enjoyable… foods that I want.”

Knowing geography like the back of my ankle, I asked Jared if he wasn’t afraid of the local population.

“Oh, they love me,” he said. “You can make friends with anyone—cannibal, headhunter, you name it—as long as you’re thin and pretty.”

Well, Jared might be thin—might be, depending on definition—but he sure ain’t pretty. However, I didn’t want to argue the point. I’d suddenly lost my appetite—and gained sudden inspiration for a breakout story. Jared tried to keep me in his abode by offering me all the best—“…ribs, thighs, breasts,” he said, drooling. “You name it, I’ve got it.”

I got out of there faster than a hen in the foxhouse, heading straight back to the safety and security of my home in Blune Gardens. Once there I called my editor, Cletus Hookworm, to share my theory. Cletus wasn’t around—he’d been diagnosed with lazy brain—so I made a quick call to our Case Closed™ panel of experts.

What are the odds, I asked them, that Subway’s Jared might be a cannibal?

Our panel of experts™ replied with a resounding, “Why aren’t you asking Cletus about this?”

Once again, yours truly was left to fend for himself in the wilderness. I poured a hearty slug of concentration juice and sat down at my computer. After several hours of compiling statistics and throwing ideas at the wall to see what might stick, I had come up with a sound theory regarding Subway’s Jared Fogle and his astounding weight loss.

Was it possible that Jared hadn’t dropped all that weight thanks to Subway sandwiches?

When Jared topped the scales, he weighed in at between 425-900 pounds, depending on what online source you believe. I knew it was at least 850 pounds, as that number came up on the first site I checked out (and here at Case Closed™ we know that “If it’s first, it might as well be right.”®). So, how could a man who weighed 850 pounds suddenly shrink down to a svelte and ripply 190? Is it possible that this man, who blamed Nintendo for his spectacular weight gain, dropped these pounds by stuffing his abnormal looking face with sandwiches made out of thick, carbohydrate rich bread? Doesn’t that alone go against the laws of physics and botany?

I immediately turned to Case Closed’s™ resident dietician, Dr. Fantastic. With his latest self-help book, “Eat Like a Pig and Gain Weight Now!” topping Oprah’s book club charts, I knew he would be the man with the answers. And he was. When asked if a man as odd looking as Jared could have lost so much weight by eating Subway sandwiches, the good Doctor stated his case.

“No man can lose that much weight on a bread and meat diet,” Dr. Fantastic explained. “With the carbs and the sugars alone, you would see a retrograde weight fluctuation on par with something tragically genetic. Besides, do you know how expensive those sandwiches are? Jared would have to be selling kids in slavery to afford to eat at Subway every day.”

So it was clear… this entire Subway sandwich campaign was a ruse. What, then, could be credited with this fantastic weight loss?

Dr. Fantastic went on to pitch his incredible idea. “I think he’s likely a cannibal,” he said. “Human flesh is incredibly high in protein and low in calories. But, depending on the cut, you sometimes get gristle. And if you don’t believe me, check out the new Subway ads. Jon Lovitz says it all.”

Jon Lovitz? An actor once so poor he had to hawk the ‘h’ in his name? The star of such classic films as ‘Pancho’s Pizza’ and ‘The Benchwarmers’? How could he be tied into this bizarre plot of cannibalism and phoney weight loss? I turned on the TV and waited for a Subway ad to run. And, a short time later, it did. There was Mr. Lovitz, doughy, slouched back in an easy chair. At the ad’s conclusion he delivered the devilishly disguised punchline… “Subway. Eat flesh!”


(Does YOUR subway sandwich contain human flesh? Oddsmakers say you can bet on anything!)

That’s right! Eat flesh! As clear as a raindrop falling on a moonless night! And who better to deliver this line than the slightly out of shape Lovitz—he certainly doesn’t appear to be snacking at Subway. Or on Subway customers. He would be the perfect patsy to pull the wool over the eyes of the public.

But not the eyes of your own Manny Fatback!

It all became crystal clear. Jared had lost his weight by eating people! Then, after almost being caught at his horrible activities (perhaps he was spotted robbing graves for his grisly meals--see artist rendering below!), he covered up by claiming Subway had been a godsend for him. If so, why had he retreated to a south Pacific Island inhabited by cannibals? Why does he always have such a toothy, leering smile on his semi-retarded face? There are far too many ‘whys’ and not enough ‘becauses’.


(Could Jared be the fat man with the pick-axe in this artist's rendering? Rendering artists render an opinion of yes!)

We here at Case Closed™ certainly don’t claim that Subway sandwiches are made out of human beings (that’s another story for another glass of concentration juice). But as is always the case here, we know that something is afoot. So the next time you decide to join some fad diet, be cautious about who… or what you might be eating. And recall those terrible, mumbled words of Jon Lovitz…

Subway. Eat flesh.


Case Closed!™