Case Closed! — Conspiracies and Mysteries Solved

"Inspired" by Patricia Cornhole's immodest claim that all those Ripperologists may as well give up their theorizing and debating Jack the Ripper's identity because she's written the final word, "Case Closed!" seeks to solve completely and forevermore the mysteries of the world. Case closed!

21 December 2006

The Kings and I! A Cloneopolis Update!

A Case Closed™ Exclusive
Manny Fatback

They sat you can never have too much of a good thing. Friends. Happiness. Bourbon. Whatever your magical vice, the idea remains the same. No matter how much of it you have, no matter how high you stack it, it never loses that special something. Of course, we all know that’s a load of steaming outhouse treats. No matter how terrific something is, no matter how specialtastic®, eventually not enough becomes too much. There always comes a breaking point.

When it comes to Stephen Kings… how many is too many?

As the dedicated reader of Case Closed™ well remembers, it was yours truly, Manny Fatback, who first broke the astounding story about the numerous Stephen King clones! Never before had a story with such power and magnitude been so graciously ignored by the publishing industry. It was clearly a story that hit too close to home. No matter where I went, no matter who I spoke to, no one seemed willing to acknowledge this amazing discovery. But that didn’t stop the Stephen King Cloneopoly Bullet Train to slow down. It continued on the fast track, moving like a well-buttered lap dancer.

Now, however, it seems that this many might be too many.

As readers know, the latest Kingly offering was a great disappointment. This novel, billed as some kind of love story and terrific stretch for one of the Kings, falls flat. And well it should! There are too many Stephen Kings out there… and too many Stephen Kings spoil the broth! And in this case, the broth is the book! After fighting my way through ‘Lisey’s Story’, I decided to press myself back into service and investigate the Stephen King conspiracy even further. What I found should be enough to convince any executive at Scribner of the truth™!

Even the most casual visitor to the Stephen King website can see the clues. When I made a visit, I noticed that the site listed Mr. King as ‘Stephen Stephen’. Two Stephens? Is that a none-too-subtle way of giving yours truly a reminding jab, letting me know that though I tried to get the secret out there, it’s still going on? It would seem so!

(Stephen Stephen... a typo, or proof of something far more sinister?)

A second visit to the Internet brought me to a foreign language site, which clearly demonstrated incontrovertible proof of the Stephen King clone conspiracy! Even though I can’t read Mexican, what’s written below is as clear as day. There is more than one Stephen King… and even people who don’t speak English know about it!

(Even in this savage tongue, the truth is easy to read!)

Armed with these new pieces of evidence, I decided to return to Maine and pay the Kings a visit. I showed up in my LeBaron, a stack of King hardcovers bunched under one arm. The King mansion, a shameless display of wealth and ego, stood before me like a giant monolith built on words and pages and bricks. I stood in awe for a few moments before carefully wriggling over the front gate and heading for the back of the house. I knew that if Mr. King (or perhaps the other Mr. King, or even the third) spotted me, the gig would be up. I’d brought the books along as a distraction, knowing that when asked, a clone can’t help but try to sign it’s original’s name.

At the back of the house, beyond the recently installed Fountain of Youth (an upcoming story here at Case Closed™), I found a rear window through which I could peer into King’s life. And what I saw amazed me! Seated inside a plush and comfortable looking den was Stephen King.

And Stephen King!
And yet more Stephen Kings!
I quickly grabbed my camera and snapped a picture. Undeniable proof of this conspiracy finally brought to light.

(How many stories would a Stephen King write, if a Stephen King could write stories?)

As I turned to go, however, I realized that I was no longer alone. One of the Stephen Kings, pushing a Toro lawnmower, came around the edge of the house. Knowing that this Steve could be in two places at once, I immediately fell to my plan of attack. Producing my stack of books, I asked for an autograph. This carbon copy King obliged, signing the book with great concentration, tongue jutting from the corner of his mouth. Soon after I escaped, returning to the Case Closed™ offices. Once safe at my own desk, I looked at the signature of the phoney King. Of course, it seemed much different from that of the real Stephen King. I quickly tracked down a sample of the genuine King’s signature and laid it next to the clone’s signature.

Not even close!

So, friends and readers, it should be clear to you now that Stephen King is not who he says he is. He’s more! And he’s continuing to produce books at a fantastic rate despite being retired! So, the next time you pick up one of his novels and feel vastly disappointed in the decline in quality, just remember… this ain’t your grandma’s Stephen King!

And there is too much of a good thing.

Case Closed™!


At 4:44 PM, Blogger Cletus Hookworm said...

I'm thinkin' Case Closed needs to replenish its legal fund because we're going to be facing multiple law suits from multiple Stephen Kings. Any chance that we could create multiple clones of Clarence Darrow?


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