Not Enough Monarchs: An Explanation of a Meteorological Oddity

a Case Closed™ Exclusive
by Manny Fatback


If you're like me, only shorter, then you probably want to know as much as you can about the weather. It's important to know what one might expect for the coming days. Will I be washed off the side of a Peruvian tanker by a freak monsoon? Will a heat wave cause snow to melt and create an avalanche when I'm hiking up Mt. Kilimanjaro in search of the ancient Tibetan Book of the Dead? Will I get a chill if I go outside wearing my spandex shorts and mesh football tank top? All of these are valid questions and important, especially in the life of a hard-living journalist like yours truly.

When I go to the weathercasters for their predictions, I know that the odds are stacked against me that they will be on the money. When the call for rain, I grab my sun hat. When they call for snow, I grab sunscreen. As my father always said: "If you can get paid for being wrong eighty percent of the time, it beats working. Now pass the potatoes, dumbass." And if those aren't words to live by, I don't know what they are.

This year there has been one major discrepancy in the weather-related sector of the media.

Where are all the hurricanes?

Last year and the year before we were treated to a plethora of great hurricanes with equally great names. They brought us hours of entertainment on our television screens and down at the local 'behind the counter' betting pools. If you can't make some pocket money betting on when Hurricane Glenda will hit the Florida coast, then how can you make that pocket money? So this year, with all the meteorological prognosticators lining up with their doomsday scenarios, I was ready to make a lot of cash. They expected a record number of powerful hurricanes this year.

So the question is: where are they?


(Why Aren't We Seeing More of These Colourful Swirlygigs on the Local Weather?)

Faced with such a curious question, I decided to do my best to find out. I started by talking to Case Closed's™ resident Hurricaneologist, Dr. Fantastic. I put the question point blank: where are all the hurricanes? He pointed me to the fridge, where he had pre-mixed several. I explained that I meant the weather phenomena and not the drink. That's when he came up with a startling reply.

There aren't enough butterflies.

Everyone knows the drill. All because one butterfly, halfway around this big sphere we call home, flaps its wings, a hurricane decimates the islanders of some Pacific beach town. Monarchs flutter and people die! This theory has been proven again and again (most recently in the brilliant weather-pic, 'The Butterfly Effect', which TV Guide said 'is on at eight p.m.'). But recent increases in the use of pesticides and powders to protect valuable crops has led to a demise in the butterfly population. This, in turn, has led to a drop in the number of hurricanes worldwide!


(A REAL Theory and Not Just Fantastic Wishful Thinking!)

It occurred to me, then and there, that I had perhaps stumbled upon a way to help millions of potential hurricane victims. Putting aside my own need for extra spending cash, I rushed out of the Case Closed™ offices and sped to the local University. I tracked down one of those science geeks who study bugs and pitched him by idea.

"If we start killing butterflies by the truckload, we could save mankind," I said.

He looked at me like I was insane. "How can you make a connection between butterflies and hurricanes?" he asked. "That's ridiculous. You can't expect me to support wiping out butterflies."

Is it so ridiculous? The Case Closed™ Panel of Experts™ disagree. After heated debate they decided to go to lunch and let the matter rest. Clearly, this is a very difficult question and even more difficult answers.

So, dear reader, the course of action is clear. In order to save mankind from death and destruction, it's time to face the butterfly head on. It is the enemy and must be destroyed. Clearly the 'experts' who talk about global warming and climate malfunction are wrong. It isn't about any of that! It's about man's oldest and deadliest enemy... the butterfly.

Kill one and save a life!

Case Closed!™