Case Closed! — Conspiracies and Mysteries Solved

"Inspired" by Patricia Cornhole's immodest claim that all those Ripperologists may as well give up their theorizing and debating Jack the Ripper's identity because she's written the final word, "Case Closed!" seeks to solve completely and forevermore the mysteries of the world. Case closed!

07 September 2006

AND NOW... a Case Closed™ Little Known Fact!

Did you know that back in 1985, the model for Kenner's original 'Stretch Armstrong', found himself in financial ruin? After numerous divorces and a battle with alcohol, the unfortunate inspiration for this bendy, stretchy toy died in a tragic fall.

It's TRUE™

(This has been a CCLKF)

Mystery of the Missing Editor: A Search for Cletus Hookworm

a Case Closed™ Exclusive
Manny Fatback

It's been several days and a few bottles of Wild Turkey since yours truly took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. Most of the time the life of this hard-living scribbler is composed of thrills, stress and minor bowel irritation. Recently, however, we here at Case Closed™ have been suffering from something even worse. It's heartbreak, dear reader, and heartbreak of the very worst kind.

When this intrepid reporter started writing for Case Closed™ so very long ago, there was promise and hope in the halls. Everyone who read the stories knew that with such a dedicated, willing and hard-working staff, the Truth™ would soon be unearthed. No conspiracies, no mysteries, no bits of idle gossip would go unreported. It didn't matter the risk or the danger or the cost (cost is usually defrayed by the publishers of Case Closed™)... we would be there for you. Yours truly, Manny Fatback, and his daring sidekick, Cletus Hookworm.

But the question that's on the lips of faithful readers everywhere now is a simple one: Where is Cletus Hookworm?

(Could Cletus Hookworm's location be found somewhere on this map? Mapologists shrug indifferently.)

For a time we all knew where Cletus was. If he wasn't in the bathroom or sprawled out on his couch in his shorts, watching 'Saved by the Bell', he was busy at his desk. An editor at heart, he wasn't content just editing the far superior pieces of his co-hort, Manny Fatback. No, he wanted to wade into the muck of journalism, to break through the barriers and find out the Truth™ that so many others turn away from. That quest for the next story took him away from the comfort of his office and out into the rough and tumble world.

For a soft pudge like Cletus... that wasn't a good idea.

Recently he made a lengthy tour of Romania. He had gone on a whim, trying to seek out the mysterious origins of Roman Numerals. While in Romania seeking this secret (which seems to be buried somehwere along with Jimmy Hoffa and the electric car), Cletus began to run into some troubles. At first he found himself hounded by Roman Polanski, who believed Cletus might be a threat. A search for Roman numerals in Romania or not, Cletus had to get on the hoof and out of Dodge. And that's just what he did.

From Romania he went to Hungary. Having possibly imbibed something in the water, he began to feel lethargic and lazy. Disinterest was his sole occupation. What notes he didn't throw away, he sent to our offices here at Case Closed™. The following excerpt shows his addled and uncaring state of mind: "Sometimes they say stuff, but everyone says stuff. I think I might write a story about that. Wait. I should edit this first. Can I send you the revised copy of my grocery list?"

Clearly... something was wrong.

And now something is even more wrong. After gentle urging, Cletus decided to see a doctor while in Hungary. However, during the routine physical examination, Cletus became highly agitated (perhaps upset that his colon was larger upon leaving the office than it was when he went in!). His anger led to spurious comments about the Hungarian government. This, in turn, led to an uprising by a mysterious society known only as HHH. Their origins are cloaked in mystery, but they are clearly a force to be reckoned with!

(HHH... Hungry Hungry Hippos, Or Hungry Hungry Hungarians?)

A short time ago, dear reader, Cletus Hookworm was abducted by HHH. They held him for ransom while attempting to brainwash him into joining their cause. However, Cletus could not be brainwashed. It wasn't superior intellect or reasoning that kept him safe. It was a rare and annoying condition from which Cletus suffers that kept him from turning to the dark side. Cletus suffers from Lazy Brain, which brings with it a lack of creativity, general lethargy and mental dysfunction. His kidnappers had been foiled again!

Cletus foiled those bastards again, didn't he?

But now his whereabouts are unknown. Cletus has been dumped by his disinterested kidnappers and left to fend for himself. How long can a man with a lazy brain survive in the wilds of Hungary?

Only time will tell.

This story is a plea to our readers... please be on the lookout for Cletus. Below is the last known photo of Cletus, while in the company of his captors. If you recognize him... please contact Case Closed™.

For now, this Case remains Open!