Case Closed! — Conspiracies and Mysteries Solved

"Inspired" by Patricia Cornhole's immodest claim that all those Ripperologists may as well give up their theorizing and debating Jack the Ripper's identity because she's written the final word, "Case Closed!" seeks to solve completely and forevermore the mysteries of the world. Case closed!

30 November 2006

AND NOW... A Case Closed™ Little Known Fact!

Did you know that it isn't that uncommon to discover common household animals inside of different grocery items? That's right! From pythons in vacuum cleaners to budgies in cans of Budweiser, it happens more often than not! In fact, just the other day a kitten was discovered in a box of Pop Tarts!

Later, President George W. Bush ate that kitten!

It's TRUE™!

(This has been a CCLKF)

Obesity Goes Wild: Fat Animals Tip The Scales

a Case Closed™ Exclusive
Manny Fatback

It should come as no surprised to Case Closed™ readers that nine out of ten children across North America are obese. Six out of ten are ungrateful and five out of ten are unable to count the original nine! These are shocking statistics. Fat children are everywhere. You see them at school, on the bus and standing outside doughnut shop like lard-filled inflatable dolls, jowls hanging in the wind. But this increase in childhood obesity--blamed mostly on video games and comfortable chairs--is only the tip of a increasingly overweight iceberg.

(Two average fat kids enjoying a glutton's meal at McDonald's)

Yes... our children are fat. But it gets worse.

(In many countries, obese children attack and devour their parents... as shown in this shocking photo!)

While investigating a trible of pygmy headhunters in Africa, yours truly, Manny Fatback, stumbled across the discovery of a lifetime! I was hiking across the sultry savannah with my intrepid photographer by my side when the ground began to rumble. Things began to quiver. I had no idea what it was. For one moment I was taken back in time to a trip I took to Mississippi with Cletus 'Missing in Action and Not Likely To Return' Hookworm. He made the ground tremble in a similar fashion when he lined up to throw a log into the Mississippi River. But this was no overweight companion. It wasn't a rogue dinosaur, escaped from some Steven Spielberg-like compound.

It was merely an animal. An animal native to Africa. A giraffe.

I'd seen giraffes in the zoo before. As a boy I'd even pelted a few with rocks when the day-trip got boring. But the giraffe that I saw coming across the plains was like no giraffe I had ever seen before. The normally elegant and docile herbivore had obviously been indulging in foods that were high in fat, cholesterol and calories. I watched in terror as a two tonne giraffe lumbered across the African plains, casting a shadow as big as a boat. My photographer turned to flee but I remained and snapped a picture of the outlandish animal!

After the giraffe had gone, I stood in stunned contemplation. What could have happened to create this freak of nature? Was it genetics? Radiation? Science gone mad? Or God, drunk on power? To determine the cause of the creature's tremendous size and weight, I contacted local Safari guide and avid hunter, Senor Magificent. I showed him the picture and he immediately began to nod.

"Oh, sure," he said. "That's a fat giraffe."

It couldn't be so simple, but it was. Apparently, Senor Magnificent went on to explain, animals all over the world have begun to gain weight. The increasing obesity among men, women and children has slowly spilled over into the natural world. "We don't challenge animals anymore. We're too slow and lazy. So, they end up the same way. I see it in trees and plants as well. Obese cacti. Fat geraniums. It's really quite common."

Could it be so common? Knowing I had a big story on my hands, I began to investigate. Sure enough, it turns out there are fat animals all over the place. Many of the famous celebrity animals that you know are regularly in and out of 'fat camps', where they lose dramatic amounts of weight, only to put it back on months later. "It's a struggle among thoroughbreds," an unnamed jockey said. "I wrap my horse in plastic and run him for hours, but he just keeps putting on the pounds."

(Is this the future of animal sport? Experts in Guessology say 'Yes!')

Returning to Case Closed™ headquarters, I enlisted the help of our resident Fatologist, Dr. Fantastic. He examined the pictures and expressed shock at the growing trend. "If this keeps up," he predicted (and if He Predicts It, You Know It's Probably True®), "the earth is going to go out of balance. A real gravitational shift."

It's appalling but possible: obesity among the natural world could tip our planet to the brink of disaster. The only rational response to this is simple: obese animals must be hunted to the verge of extinction. Once the pool of potential mates dwindles, the animals will take it upon themselves to lose weight and become more attractive. I say it, Dr. Fantastic says it, and you must say it too!

So... remember to do your part. Pick up a gun and shoot a fat dog or cat. Trap an overweight squirrel. Run down that obese porcupine. The planet's survival depends on it!

Case Closed™!