Case Closed! — Conspiracies and Mysteries Solved

"Inspired" by Patricia Cornhole's immodest claim that all those Ripperologists may as well give up their theorizing and debating Jack the Ripper's identity because she's written the final word, "Case Closed!" seeks to solve completely and forevermore the mysteries of the world. Case closed!

28 June 2006

An Omnibus Reply From the Legal Department

To the lawyers representing Stephen King, OJ Simpson, the Goldman family, Sam Waterston, NASA, the US government, the estate of Elvis Presley, and Uncle Ned: We stick by our stories.

27 June 2006

The Myth of Radiation Poisoning (concluded—for now)

Apologies to all Loyal Order of Case Closed™ Readers (esp. those of Local #67821 in Utica, NY) for my absence these past weeks. It's just been a nightmare here at Casa de Case Closed™. My damned neighbour—the one who I've been secretly irradiating—upped and died for no good reason—I think he was purposefully starving himself to death because he sure was getting skinny—and it turns out he must have been working for the government because guys in black suits and sunglasses swarmed the area, followed by wieners in hazmat suits. A radius of two blocks was evacuated and we've all been questioned upteen times. Despite journalishistic credentials, no one's talking to me, and a lot of my neighbours have been giving me dirty looks at the hotel where we've been relocated. Obviously I was getting too close to The Truth™ and now the government has enlisted the neighbourhood to participate in the conspiracy.

So, the experiment has been called off because (a) my neighbour died unexpectedly and (b) the government knows that I know what's really going on. While not actually Case Closed™, I think that we can move radiation poisoning into the myth column.

The whole shitfizzle in the neighbourhood has also hampered my efforts to really dig into the whole Double Wide conspiracy, but don't worry, faithful readers, I'm on this one like a beagle on a leg. All I can say for now is, what do we really know about who played Jabba the Hutt …?

23 June 2006

AND NOW... A Case Closed™ Little Known Fact!

Did you know that in 1976 Elvis Presley attempted to get a patent on the world’s first self-lubricating lubricant? The patent was refused and Elvis reacted in flamboyant Kingly style, shaking the cape on his jumpsuit and firing three shots into the trunk of his Cadillac!


(This has been a CCLKF)

Murder, Mayhem and Moon Landings

The Truth™ Behind the Framing of O.J. Simpson
A Case Closed™ Exclusive by Manny Fatback

At one point or another, every bored movie nerd has played the ill-conceived game of ‘Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon’. Even yours truly, Manny Fatback, has engaged those of lesser-intellect in this mentally stupefying game of celebrity connect-the-dots. You know how it goes… Ron Jeremy (epitome of the hairy porn star) starred in ’52 Pick-Up’ with Ann-Margret. Ann-Margret (whose missing ‘a’ has been linked to Freemasons and the death of James Dean!) danced alongside Elvis Presley in the musical showpiece, ‘Viva Las Vegas’. Elvis swung his hips in ‘King Creole’ alongside Walter Mattheau. And Mattheau acted with Kevin Bacon in the conspiracy of all conspiracies, ‘JFK’. The connection between Ron Jeremy and Kevin Bacon can be made… and in five steps rather than the expected six. And what does it all prove (besides the fact that most parlour games are meant for mentally-stunted children and that I, Manny Fatback, cannot do math)?

It proves nothing. But it does make us look more closely at the superficial and laughable frame-up of O.J. Simpson!

From the outset, the idea that O.J. was guilty for the brutal murder of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman is ludicrous. Even dismissing the glaring lack of motive, where is the compelling evidence to lead one to conviction? Does it exist in the DNA evidence? The blood samples? The unexplained abrasions on Simpson’s hands? I don’t think so (And If I Don’t Think It, Neither Do You®). Lawyers for O.J. put it best when they said, “If the glove don’t fit, you can’t convict.”* There’s never been a more clear-cut legal reason for a not-guilty verdict.

Still, however, I can hear you naysayers droning on like cows in a field. Well, if a lack of evidence, legal rhyming and a slow-speed chase (really… would a guilty man drive so slowly?) aren’t enough to convince you, this should: O.J. Simpson was framed for murder because of the faked moon landing of 1969.


After playing ‘Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon’ and drinking a half-litre of Wild Turkey, I began to make connections between other great moments in history. My mind eventually came to rest like an overweight prostitute, leaning heavily on the American Government’s faked moon landing back in 1969. That, ladies and gentlemen, became Degree Number One!

We all know that NASA, in conjunction with the department of defense, the American government, Neil Armstrong, Buzz (if that’s your real name!) Aldrin, Walter Cronkite and Hasbro (maker of the perennial childhood favourite, Lite Brite™), conspired to convince the world that the USA landed on the moon on 20 July, 1969. If there is anyone alive today who still questions this conspiracy, he or she must question a lot of things. The man who originally brought this question to light was author (and fellow purveyor of all things true) Bill Kaysing. His self-published shocker, ‘We Never Went To The Moon’ becomes Degree Number Two!

But how does that get us to O.J.’s frame-up, you might ask? Like a running back with a ceramic hip, that’s how. Slowly and carefully.

Strangely enough, Kaysing’s book wasn’t accepted with much critical appraisal. Our own band of brave literary experts here at Case Closed™ examined Kaysing’s tome and were vehement that it indeed was a book, though perhaps its covers were a bit too far apart. Regardless… Hollywood took an interest in Kaysing’s puzzling story and they came knocking. However, they were knocking on Elliot Gould’s door, asking if he might join the cast of the movie ‘Capricorn One’. This mind-boggling film, which Roger Ebert has called ‘…a movie I didn’t review…’, takes Kaysing’s story of a faked moon landing and turns it into a faked Mars landing. This movie is packed with an all-star cast, including James Brolin, Telly Savalas, Hal Holbrook, Sam Waterston and… O.J. SIMPSON!

Coincidence? Here at Case Closed™, there are no coincidences!

What are the odds that a movie about a faked landing on Mars would star O.J. Simpson (victim of a frame-up by a District Attorney) and Sam Waterston (who played a District Attorney on TVs ‘Law and Order’)? The odds certainly aren’t Vegas odds.

I now had Degrees Three… and Four!

But where to go from there? Uncertain, I consulted our own forensic frame-up-ologist, Dr. Fantastic. Using Internet websites and pages culled from the supermarket tabloids, he came to the conclusion that the evidence in the Simpson-Goldman murder pointed toward the work of covert government agents. Who else could have masterminded such a crime? Who else could have made it appear to be the work of one emotionally-disturbed madman? Only government operatives, that’s who. Operatives of a government who had once faked a moon landing!

Degree Number Five!

It certainly doesn’t take much to get to the final, all-important sixth step. Does it?

Clearly, O.J. Simpson was framed for the murder of his ex-wife and her friend because of what he knew about the faked moon landing of 1969. His role in Peter Hyam’s ‘Capricorn One’ had left him a marked man. Perhaps he picked something up at the catering table while on set. Perhaps he had only surmised something over time. Had O.J. Simpson read Bill Kaysing’s book? Was he, too, curious as to the lack of stars shown in the lunar sky during the landing? Our experts say, “Anything is possible.” And I, for one, agree with them.

Degree Number Six exists in the bloody crime perpetrated on Rockingham Avenue one warm June night. It was a crime that shocked a nation of tabloid-readers and second-rate-star watchers. From the get-go it seemed almost too easy to suspect the violent ex-husband… and it was. O.J. Simpson was no different from Lee Harvey Oswald… he was a patsy. A victim to government conspiracy and prosecutorial corruption. His life was ruined because of NASA, the US government and Hasbro!

The glove did not fit, indeed.


*quotes have been made up or are misrepresented due to authorial laziness.

Editor's Addendum: To show how easy it is to fake this kind of stuff, our Case Closed™ intern, Lance Trout, inserted OJ into a moon landing photo. Note also how OJ doesn't cast a shadow in this picture. If Lance can make such a compelling, yet false, photo, think what the federalés can do!

02 June 2006

The Myth of Radiation Poisoning (cont'd)

Alas, faithful reader(s?), there is little to update on this investigation. As expected, in the first few days of the study, my neighbour showed no ill effects of living with the enriched uranium I had hidden in his home. He must have picked up a cold or something, though, because he hasn't come out for several days now, and just keeps moaning loudly and incessantly. I'm getting kind of annoyed, too, because his cat is dead and laying on the front steps. Not my business, though, I remind myself.

However, recent developments in the neighbourhood are about to explode, as I believe I have discovered shocking news about another neighbour. I hope, within the next few days, to expose the secret identity of a neighbourhood resident known only as … Double Wide! Stay tuned!