Case Closed! — Conspiracies and Mysteries Solved

"Inspired" by Patricia Cornhole's immodest claim that all those Ripperologists may as well give up their theorizing and debating Jack the Ripper's identity because she's written the final word, "Case Closed!" seeks to solve completely and forevermore the mysteries of the world. Case closed!

01 October 2006

The Scoop on Hitler's Litter Box: The Reincarnation of Famous People

a Case Closed™ Exclusive
Manny Fatback

For thousands of years men and women have been troubled by the idea of death. What happens after we take that final breath, fall down that final flight of stairs or choke on the final piece of hamburger? Do we wink out like a bad bulb? Do we continue to shine in another room, where the furniture is better and people aren't quite so annoying? Or do we present a checklist to some celestial accountant and find out we haven't learned all out life's lessons and we have to come back for another kick at the can? Religion, science and crackpottery (such as Scientology or Home Schooling) have sought the answer to this question for years. Well, yours truly, Manny Fatback, can finally tell everyone to stop searching. We here at Case Closed™ have discovered the truth.


That's right. The whole idea of some never-ending wheel of karma is as real as the fake moon landing! There's no palatial mansion in the sky. There's only more of what we've already seen, except in a different pair of pants.

Or for some, a different pair of legs all together!

While clearing out my grandfather's things from his bedside table at the Sunny Pines Rest Home (Now Asbestos Free!) I began to contemplate death. Where would I go when I died? And would I leave behind the same drawerful of crap as my cheap grandfather? Most likely. But if I could take it all with me, where would I take it? I began to do a little research on life after death, moving from bar to bar and asking questions. At one dark establishment, I ran into a fellow who ran a combination acupuncture/transmission repair shop and he turned me in the direction of reincarnation.

"We're here to learn the true mean of our lives," he told me over a pitcher of Wild Turkey shots. "Not the meaning of ALL life, but our own. What have we done? What are we capable of doing? The more potential we have, the more times we have to return to the earth. And very often we come back in an unfamiliar form."

Sipping my drink, I said, "Like a toilet plunger or something?"

Apparently not. My drinking companion asserted that very often we return as animals that incorporate the qualities we had in life. Disbelieving, I left the bar and returned to the offices of Case Closed™, where I went straight to our resident Reincarnationologist (he received his doctorate at the Quimby Hills Second-Coming Community College), Dr. Fantastic.

"Of course people come back as animals," he told me. "It happens all the time. Hitler was reincarnated as a cat. It's common knowledge on the Internet."

I checked. Indeed, this 'Internet' was quite the depository of irrefutable facts. And I discovered that Hitler had indeed come back as a cat, and there was photographic evidence to prove it!

(Startling photographic proof of reincarnation... available online to anyone? Coincidence, or hard evidence?)

But how much further could this go? I decided to contact Mistress Rhondra, famed psychic to the dead stars. She began to point me in the right direction.

"You have to look for celebrities who give clues about their possible future selves," she said. "Check out their careers, their choices, their mates." And I did just that. How as I to know that some of my favourite celebrities had been animals in the past... and showed startling evidence that they would be animals in the future? I was stunned to realize that Canadian songstress Alanis Morisette might very well live her next life as a horse. And while passing by a pig farm in Ohio, I'm certain I fed a cob of corn to Chris Farley!

(Alanis Morisette and her future self... both able to eat apples through a chain link fence!)

(Chris Farley... comic, pig, lover of old corn)

It's hard to believe, but it's true™! Tom Cruise, Ray Charles, Lisa Bonet, even Justine Bateman have all been--and will be--living life as animals.

(Marilyn Monroe is living her life as a cat in Des Moines!)

"Rob Schneider is the only exception," claimed my barroom source. "He has never really had much to offer, and he certainly doesn't have much to learn. He starred in 'The Animal', but he's never been one. If he's ever reincarnated, it'll probably be as a bowel obstruction."

There you have it, faithful reader! Pay attention and be careful the next time you see a deer running across the road at night. Keep your foot near the brake or you might very well run down Harrison Ford in your Ford!

Case Closed™!